I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
