i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
