My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So squirting runs in the family.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
