My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
