I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
