I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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