sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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