i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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