No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
