Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
