just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My pussy is not your playground.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
