I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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