before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
