Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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