i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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