Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
