my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
