When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
