you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
