if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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