I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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