she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
