I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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