My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
