I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
