I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My ATM looks so different sober.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
