I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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