Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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