I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
