Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
