Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
