Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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