even my farts smell like vagina
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
