I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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