so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
