see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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