And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
