I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
