I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
