Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
