the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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