i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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