Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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