btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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