Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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