Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
