He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
