i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
