I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
