Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
