Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
