If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
