There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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