they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
please don't ironically join a cult
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